READ FOR FUN 12

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. "How may I help you?" the doctor asks. 

"Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me."

"And then what do you do?" the doctor asks. 

"I push them away," the man says. 

"Then what do you want me to do?" the doctor asks. 

"Break my arms! " says the man.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean, since the audience would be different each week, the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain"s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show ...

"Look, it"s not the same hat!" 

"Look, he"s hiding the flowers under the table!" 

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn"t do anything, it was the captain"s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What"d you do with the boat?"

Two detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun? What the heck is a golf gun?"

"I"m not certain, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn"t help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What"s your secret for a long happy life?" 

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise." 

"That"s amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six, " he said.

And did you hear about the politician who went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "I"m sorry, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

The politician interrupted, "Well, that"s normal, isn"t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That"s true. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn"t anything right, while on the right side there isn"t anything left."

Read For Fun (10)

A man was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. His windows were getting icy and the wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on the front window, he suddenly had a great idea. So he stopped and began to overturn large rocks until he located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. He grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on the blades and they worked just fine.

What! You"ve never heard of wind chilled vipers?

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while. Since he was going that way, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee, and when he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond with no clothes on.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m just here to feed the crocodile.”

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, ladies?" 

First customer: "I"ll have tea."

Second customer: "Me, too. And be sure the cup is clean!" 

(Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Who asked for the clean cup?" 

A philosopher falls asleep and dreams. In his dream, one by one, the greatest philosophers of all time stand before him and systematically state their views and arguments: Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Kant, Hume, Descartes, etc. But in each case the philosopher, dramatically pointing his finger at the presenter, was able to come up with a devastating ion that left the presenting philosopher speechless and unable to effectively reply.  

In fact, the philosopher realised it was the same ion in every case - he had found the perfect philosophical move to make in conferences and colloquia. He forced himself to wake up and write the ion down on a convenient slip of paper, then he drifted dreamily back to sleep with a smile on his face.  When he awoke the next morning he read the words he"d written ... "That"s what you say!"

The Master of the house is comfortably installed in an armchair in the library, reading a newspaper.

Suddenly, John, his butler rips the door open and shouts, "Sir, the Thames is flooding the streets!"

The Master looks up calmly from the newspaper and says, "John, please. I have already told you before, if you do have something important to tell me, first knock on the door, then enter and inform me, in a quiet and civilised manner, about the issue. Now please, do so."

John apologises and closes the door behind him. Three seconds later, the Master hears a knock on the door.

"Yes?"

John partially enters the room and with a gesture one would make when welcoming and ushering in somebody and with water flowing over his shoes, he announces, "Sir, the Thames."

READ FOR FUN 9

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean, since the audience would be different each week, the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain"s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show ...

"Look, it"s not the same hat!" 

"Look, he"s hiding the flowers under the table!" 

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn"t do anything, it was the captain"s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What"d you do with the boat?"

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there"s a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What"s the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

A prison warden makes a final inspection of the electric chair as a man from death row is scheduled to die later that day. He is alarmed to find there are several faults, so he calls for an electrician.

When the electrician arrives he assures the warden that everything can be fixed, but it will take five hours. The warden heaves a sigh of relief because this means the execution can go ahead as planned. Five hours later the warden returns to find the electric chair in pieces and the electrician whistling as he works. "I thought you assured me everything would be fixed in five hours," says the warden. 

"It’s a good thing you called out an experienced electrician like me," replied the man. "This thing is a death trap!" 

READ FOR FUN ( 8 )

First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that"s vanity? 

Second girl: No, it"s imagination.

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mummy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," she replied as she began to remove the cream with a tissue.

"What"s the matter," asked little Johnny. "Giving up?"

A young woman of indeterminate hair colour went into a bank to withdraw some money. For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself. 

She opened her handbag, took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it"s me all right."

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside
service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to
be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the
first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and
being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived
an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch,
but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side
of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I
assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was
the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating
their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached, the workers began to say, "Amen," "Praise the Lord,"
and "Glory!" I preached, and I preached, like I"d never preached
before, from Genesis all the way to Revelation.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I
was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, "I ain"t never seen nothing like that
before, and I"ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Little Johnny"s kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted Men tacked to a bulletin board.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn"t you keep him when you took his picture?"

Read For Fun 7

The girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.

“I did? What did I tell you?” he asked.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said. “Surely there must be some mistake.”

Two astrophysicists are discussing their research in a bar one evening when a drunk who has been sitting and listening in at the next seat turns and says, in a very worried voice, "What was that you just said?"

"We were discussion stellar evolution, and I said to my colleague here that the Sun would run out of nuclear fuel and turn into a red giant star in about 5 billion years, possibly melting the Earth."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very worried and all strung out. She says, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What"s WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looked her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly said: "Well, I can tell you that there"s nothing wrong with your eyesight."

=================================================================

Oh, I wish I"d looked after me teeth,
And spotted the perils beneath
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food,
Oh, I wish I"d looked after me teeth.
....

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean, since the audience would be different each week, the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain"s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show ...

"Look, it"s not the same hat!" 

"Look, he"s hiding the flowers under the table!" 

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn"t do anything, it was the captain"s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What"d you do with the boat?

Read For Fun 6

      A missionary goes to Africa to visit a community, a very old, primitive tribal community. He gives a long sermon. For half an hour he tells a long anecdote, and then the interpreter stands up. He speaks only four words and everyone laughs uproariously. The missionary is puzzled. How is it possible that a story half an hour long can be translated in four words? What kind of amazing language is this? Puzzled, he says to the interpreter, "You have done a miracle. You have spoken only four words. I don"t know what you said, but how can you translate my story, which was so long, into only four words?"

The interpreter says, "I say, "He says joke -- laugh!" "

      As a biologist, a physicist and a statistician are riding on a train through Queensland, they pass a herd of cows, one of which is completely white. 

"Look! There are white cows in Queensland," says the biologist. 

"You mean," says the physicist with an air of superiority, "there is at least one white cow in Queensland." 

"No," says the statistician, "there is at least one cow in Queensland that"s white on at least one side!"

      A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone"s attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks. "What"s he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy. 

"Well," replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants and a brown paper jacket." 

"So what"s he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy. 

"Rustlin"," says the sheriff.

"One of the "best" internet errors I have seen (and it keeps be posted) is one for medications for which the subject title is "We cure any decease".  

"I did write to them and ask for details of their reincarnation medicine, but have to date have received no reply. Maybe they"re deceased themselves!"

       Expectant parents were attending a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. 

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, "We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family." But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your husband came home one day and said, "Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife"?"

One of the women spoke up immediately, "I"d say, Does she cook?"

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, he burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You"re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. 

"Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They"re going to STICK!  Careful. CAREFUL!  I said, be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you"re cooking! Never! 

"Turn them! Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don"t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don"t know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I"m driving."

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"

"Oh no, it"s not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."