Read For Fun 7

The girl came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” she cried.

“I did? What did I tell you?” he asked.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the world,” he said. “Surely there must be some mistake.”

Two astrophysicists are discussing their research in a bar one evening when a drunk who has been sitting and listening in at the next seat turns and says, in a very worried voice, "What was that you just said?"

"We were discussion stellar evolution, and I said to my colleague here that the Sun would run out of nuclear fuel and turn into a red giant star in about 5 billion years, possibly melting the Earth."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very worried and all strung out. She says, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What"s WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looked her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly said: "Well, I can tell you that there"s nothing wrong with your eyesight."

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Oh, I wish I"d looked after me teeth,
And spotted the perils beneath
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food,
Oh, I wish I"d looked after me teeth.
....

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean, since the audience would be different each week, the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain"s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show ...

"Look, it"s not the same hat!" 

"Look, he"s hiding the flowers under the table!" 

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn"t do anything, it was the captain"s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What"d you do with the boat?