Read For Fun (10)

A man was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. His windows were getting icy and the wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on the front window, he suddenly had a great idea. So he stopped and began to overturn large rocks until he located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. He grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on the blades and they worked just fine.

What! You"ve never heard of wind chilled vipers?

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while. Since he was going that way, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee, and when he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond with no clothes on.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m just here to feed the crocodile.”

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, ladies?" 

First customer: "I"ll have tea."

Second customer: "Me, too. And be sure the cup is clean!" 

(Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Who asked for the clean cup?" 

A philosopher falls asleep and dreams. In his dream, one by one, the greatest philosophers of all time stand before him and systematically state their views and arguments: Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Kant, Hume, Descartes, etc. But in each case the philosopher, dramatically pointing his finger at the presenter, was able to come up with a devastating ion that left the presenting philosopher speechless and unable to effectively reply.  

In fact, the philosopher realised it was the same ion in every case - he had found the perfect philosophical move to make in conferences and colloquia. He forced himself to wake up and write the ion down on a convenient slip of paper, then he drifted dreamily back to sleep with a smile on his face.  When he awoke the next morning he read the words he"d written ... "That"s what you say!"

The Master of the house is comfortably installed in an armchair in the library, reading a newspaper.

Suddenly, John, his butler rips the door open and shouts, "Sir, the Thames is flooding the streets!"

The Master looks up calmly from the newspaper and says, "John, please. I have already told you before, if you do have something important to tell me, first knock on the door, then enter and inform me, in a quiet and civilised manner, about the issue. Now please, do so."

John apologises and closes the door behind him. Three seconds later, the Master hears a knock on the door.

"Yes?"

John partially enters the room and with a gesture one would make when welcoming and ushering in somebody and with water flowing over his shoes, he announces, "Sir, the Thames."