Read for fun 3

A man arrived on a dive with a brand new pair of super flippers (swim fins), and his friend asked why he needed them for the leisurely dive they had planned.

"In case of a shark attack, I want to be able to swim as fast as possible," was the reply.

"Don"t be stupid! You"ll never outswim a shark!" said the mate.

"I don"t have to," said the man, "I just have to outswim you." 

The staff nurse of an emergency department calls in the next patient. He"s badly cut and bruised and visibly shaken. She asks him what happened while she attends to his injuries.

"Well, I was driving along, minding my own business, when out of nowhere, this fridge smashed through the windscreen! I"m lucky to be alive!"

She bandages him up and calls in the next patient, who walks in with cuts to his hands and a back injury. "What happened to you?" she asks.

"Oh, I feel such a fool," says the man, "I"ve never trusted my dear wife and I get fits of jealousy even though she"s completely innocent. I got home early this afternoon and burst through the door thinking I might catch her with another man but she was alone in the kitchen ironing her skirt ready for work. 

"She shouted at me for being an idiot and ruining the door, and I went into a fit of rage and ended up picking the fridge up and throwing it out of the window! I"m such an idiot, someone could have been killed! AND I"ve done my back in with the strain of it!"

The nurse tut tuts and gives him some pain killers and tells him to rest.

Finally a third man is wheeled in, he"s broken both his legs and an arm and he"s naked and covered in milk.

"What happened to you!" she exclaims.

"Well," he begins, "I was in this fridge ..."

Once some robbers broke into a bank, one of them pointed the gun at the cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you"ll be GEOGRAPHY!" 

The cashier laughed and said, "You mean "HISTORY."" 

The robber answered, "Don"t change the subject."

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her
parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos and more piercings than they wanted to
count.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their
concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn"t seem
very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn"t nice, why would
he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

The coach was in despair at his side"s fielding. Match after match, they dropped every chance that came their way. Finally one day the coach called his men together and told them that he was taking them fishing.

"What for?" they asked.

"To make sure you catch something this season!" he said.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"

"You"ll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it . . . and found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

A church service was in full swing, the pews were packed.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming
oblivious to the fact that the Devil was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don"t you know who I am?

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren"t you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain"t." said the man.

"Don"t you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don"t doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you"re still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren"t you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."