Read For Fun

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That"s the ugliest baby that I"ve ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I"ll hold your monkey for you."

A bus conductor was sentenced to the electric chair as he deliberately ran over one of his passengers. When the prison governor flicked the switch, nothing happened, and after trying this many times, still nothing happened. He survived and was eventually released. Later, a journalist asked him if he knew what had stopped him from being electrocuted. "Oh that"s simple," he replied. "I"ve always been a bad conductor!"

And ...
A woman dressed in a smart magenta and pink outfit boarded a local bus. The light-hearted driver commented: "You look just like one of our smart new low floor buses!" 

"Maybe so," replied the woman, "but you won"t get on and off me for thirty pence."

As their first assignment, the English students are asked to write a paper about their summer. 

One student wrote a paper about going to the coast and getting a summer job on a fishing boat. He described how, without any skills, he was still able to obtain work as a "bait boy" on the boat. It was his job to make sure the bait was provided, cut up, if necessary, and even put on the hooks if the customers wanted him to do that. 

He did well, was given more responsibilities, and advanced quickly in the job. By the summer, he had done so well that he was made "master baiter."

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I"m really hungry" said the first one. "Let"s fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. 

"I"m so full. I don"t think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. 

"Let"s just lie back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"OK," said the first. 

So they plopped down basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep when a big fat tomcat sneaked up on them and ate them both. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love Baskin Robins."

An English major at a university was taking an astronomy course to satisfy the science requirement. During the last lecture of the semester, the professor spoke about some of the more exotic s in the universe including black holes. 

Despite his teacher"s enthusiasm, the student showed no interest, as was the case for all his astronomy classes during the semester. When the bell rang, the student turned to his friend and said, "The prof says that black holes are interesting, but I think they suck."

A clown moved into an apartment block reserved solely for circus performers. He liked everything about the apartment. The kitchen was modern, the bedroom was comfortable and the lounge was spacious. And there were plenty of facilities -- cooker, vacuum cleaner, refrigerator, washing machine. The only thing that was missing was an ironing board, something on which he could press his circus uniform after washing it.

"Why is there no ironing board?" he asked the agent. "The lion tamer and the juggler have both got one." 

"You use the window ledge, like the other clowns," explained the agent. "It"s in your contract. Every clown has a sill for ironing."

"What do you want to be when you grow up? Chances are if you ask that question in any third grade class, your answers will include at least one fireman, one policeman, one cowboy and an assortment of other jobs that are glamorized on television and books.

"But there are far more jobs than those that make good reading and television. Some of the most interesting and unusual jobs are those that most third graders have never heard of - unless, of course, a relative happens to be a flavorist or a research chef."

A Texan woman had a wedding cake made into a life-sized model of herself. Chidi Ogbuta, 35, had the 5ft cake made to renew her vows after 10 years of marriage to husband, Innocent.

The £3,000 cake took five weeks to make, needed two gallons of amaretto, 50lbs of sugar, 200 eggs and weighed a whopping 400lb, and it needed four men to lift it into the wedding venue.

And here"s why some men marry ...

Every man needs a wife, because things sometimes go wrong that you can"t blame on the government.

The hostess was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn"t know how to tell which ones were the crashers.

Then her husband got an idea ...

He turned to the crowd of guests and said, "Will those who are from the bride"s side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood.

Then he asked, " Will those who are from the groom"s side of the family stand up as well?" And about twenty-five people stood up.

Then he said, "Will all those who stood please leave, because this is a birthday party!"

When young José, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. 

Later, José wrote home enthusiastically about his experience: "And the Americans, they are so friendly! Before the
game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang "José, can you see?""

"This boat is leaking," said Tom balefully.

"I have to keep this fire alight," Tom bellowed.

"This is mutiny!" said Tom bountifully.

"Skool is grate," said Tom comprehensively.

"A Greek woodland deity is no more," said Tom, with a deadpan expression

Q. What"s the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel? 

A. It"s a matter of a pinion! 

And did you hear about the three English professors who left a conference together? On their way to dinner they passed some ladies of the night and began wondering what the collective term for such a group would be. 

The first proposed "a flourish of strumpets." 

Another suggested "an essay of Trollopes." 

But the third topped them all with "an anthology of prose."

A couple of Florida redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn"t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other fellow whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm smoothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let"s make sure he"s dead."

There is a silence, and then, a shot is heard.

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician and a mystic were debating the subject of the greatest invention of all time.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet and numerals which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the Thermos bottle.

"Why the Thermos Bottle?" the others asked.

"Because it keeps hot liquids hot in the winter and cold liquids cold in the summer," the mystic answered.

"Yeah, so?" the others replied.

"Think about it," said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle ... how does it know?"

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" 

“Why, it"s bean soup," she replied. 

"I don"t care what it has been," he sputtered, "What is it now?"

How Does Your Vocabulary Measure Up in Today"s Fast-Paced Society?

by Marilyn Estelle

Whilst studying, my daughter attended an interview for a weekend reception position. The interviewer indicated that she would need to work “alternative” weekends! Of course the word used should have been “alternate”. In conversation, people frequently use similar sounding words in the wrong context. Often, it isn’t poor intelligence that causes word misuse; it is simply that the person never took the time to properly acquaint himself with the English language. Sadly, he may never know the mistakes he makes!!

Do you consider yourself a well-read and well-spoken individual? Does your spoken language convey the complete extent of the ideas and vitality of your mind and allow you to comprehend the spoken and written word fully? In other words, have you enough understanding of the English language to achieve your goals in life?

Contemplate for a moment whether your vocabulary comes up to scratch and ask yourself how many words you skip over when reading a newspaper or book? The test of knowing a word is undoubtedly the confidence to use it.

Knowledge is power and word power shows knowledge.

Why should you improve your vocabulary?

"We are standing on the seashore.

"A ship at our side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an of beauty and strength and we stand and watch her until at length she is a speck of white cloud just where the sea and the sky come to mingle with each other.

"Then someone at our side says, "There! She is gone. There, she is gone."

"Gone where?

"Gone from our sight, that is all.

"She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left our side and she is just as able to bear her load of living weight to her destined harbour.

"Her diminished size is in us, not in her, and just at the moment when someone at our side shouts, "There! She is gone. There, she is gone," there are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes. At long last, here she comes!"

"And that is dying."

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly.

The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.

Finally, he couldn"t resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What"s time to a pig?"

A group of office co-workers decided one day to share a ride to work. What they did not realise was that they also shared the same fear -- claustrophobia. 

As they were driving through a mountain tunnel, all began to scream wildly! The car went out of control, but finally,
they were able to slow down and pull over to the side of the road. 

A psychologist who was driving behind the car saw everything and stopped to see if he could help. He immediately ascertained what the problem was -- they were suffering from carpool tunnel syndrome.

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was obvious to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn"t blue."